Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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