its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
