i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
