Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
