maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
