my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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