You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize