according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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