the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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