I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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