I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
