Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
