I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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