OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
