I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
