so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
