.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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