In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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