last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
