saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
