exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
