In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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