Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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