There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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