I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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