I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
