He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
is wine microwaveable?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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