the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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