I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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