we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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