tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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