i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
