dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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