I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Randomize
