i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
