Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
