Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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