I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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