just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
