you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
