Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
