theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
