..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
