thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
