nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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