Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
