My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
