you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Randomize
