I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
