toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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