remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
