I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
