Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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