I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
