Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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