Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
