his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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