In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize