call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
