Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize